After 5 hours of play, I feel it’s safe to say that the critics were spot on - BioShock kicks eight different kinds of ass. I purchased the limited edition collectors’ set for seventy bucks, and I don’t regret it one bit. This is fully one of the most engrossing and frightening games I’ve ever played. I have a few little nitpicky complaints - mostly about the controls - but I don’t feel they detract from the game play in any fashion that’s worth mentioning. Let’s take for example one of the first major boss battles, the nefarious Dr. Steinman - One could just go toe to toe with the good Doctor, popping caps or smacking him on the head with a wrench. This is a completely valid option. Or, you could grab a fuel canister with your telekenesis plasmid and ram it up his ass. You could also wait until he stands on an oil slick and light it on fire. Or - you could also wait until he goes into a lower level that is filled with water and electrocute him. If he runs to a healing station after taking too much punishment - oh, sorry dog - but I hacked that shit five minutes ago so now it feeds you poison. It’s the sheer number of choices you’re presented with that make this game really shine, and I’m looking forward to several hours of sweet, sweet underwater bliss.

I love technology, I love civilization and I love the future. However - if Mother Nature were an engineer, you can’t deny the fact that she designs systems which can bite you after they have been freaking decapitated would be netting her fat stacks of cash. It’s a simple thing folks - when presented with a wild animal, always assume that animal > you, and just let it do its thing. Or, if you absolutely HAVE to dispose of said animal, we have these sweet things called guns that allow you to kill things from a safe distance - you might want to look into that.

Authorities in Sweden have rooted out and destroyed the beaver population at a river near Stockholm because a Grandma got bit on her old dumb ass. What I want to know is - we can develop personal jet packs and solar powered cell phones, but we can’t post a FREAKING SIGN that says “Hey, this is Beaver turf. Watch your ass.” Poor beavers. Maybe he wasn’t trying to scare the Lady - maybe her old, wrinkled skin looked like a delicious tree and he was peckish. Maybe that’s how beavers flirt, we don’t know. My point is, beavers are street, and we need to recognize. God Speed, Castor Canadensis

According to all of the major Democratic candidates, there will be a presidential blog in our future. Just think - not only can we learn what hot new bands the executive branch is listening to on a daily basis, but we can also learn all the other obnoxious minutiae of their lives! I just hope when they use emoticons, they use a tiny eagle instead of the traditional smiley. Can’t you see it? A little crying eagle for when their hamster dies, a little teeth-gritting eagle when someone steals their iPod. Their myspace is going to be SICK.

A Village Voice editorial takes the stance that Capcom’s choice to set Resident Evil 5 in Africa is in poor taste at best, and racist at worst. I think that interpretation is fair. However, I’d like to make a few points. First, I think Zombification is an excellent opportunity for people in Africa. It allows them to take advantage of an abundant and heretofore untapped food resource - white people. Second, I believe the term ‘Zombie’ is considered offensive. They prefer ‘Undead-African’ or ‘Undead-American’, depending on your continental orientation. Third, there is only one way to settle Undead vs. Human disputes, and that is through the judicious application of bullets. It’s a freaking zombie game, man. Not to mention, it wasn’t developed in the States, it was developed in Japan. The Japanese have fortunately not inherited America’s rich racial history. I think intent needs to be present in order for racism to be claimed. If one wants to claim that a white guy trying real hard not to get his face eaten off can be seen as racist, then I want to know where that person was when Barrett started spewing jive in Final Fantasy VII. I haven’t heard dialogue that stereotypically ‘black’ since Dolemite.

In the future, people will not be killed by baseballs to the head, as we will all be wearing excellent space suits with protective helmets. Nor will we be ran over by our drunken girlfriends, as they will be driving hover-cars. Perhaps they may crash into trees or mountains. The government will be able to track our every movement, but thankfully we will have wicked moon-boots so we can get away quickly - trucks notwithstanding. We will paint solar panels on any available flat surface, send condolence cards when our game systems die, and hearing someone say “Fuck! Someone hacked my fridge”, will not be in the least bit ridiculous. - Think I’m insane, or making this up? These are all things that are in development, were announced, or actually happened this past week. HOORAY FUTURE!

There are few inventions in the history of man that have been as important as the Internet. The wheel springs to mind. Now, the wheel has had some downsides - I mean, roads are kind of bad, in terms of nature and pollution - and that thing we invented where we tied people to the wheel and then beat them until they were squishy bags of blood, that was pretty messed up. However, I think selling real sex for fake gold in fake games takes the cake. Seriously people, fucking stop it.

Is the American dream home ownership or monetary success? Is it religious freedom or freedom of speech? No my friends, it is the freedom to stand naked and shave your nipples while at the gym. A freedom that apparently Santa Claus comes to Phoenix to enjoy. Think I’m making this up, don’t you? God, my brain and my eyes wish I were. I guess it makes sense. If you chill up on the North Pole all year - arguably the coldest place on the planet - you’d want to vacation someplace that’s different than what you’re used to. And apparently not wear drawers. At all. Too hot, can’t type anymore. Out.

For those of you in the good ‘ol US of A, Happy Independence Day! For those of you elsewhere.. Uhh, ’sup? The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays by far. There is the no working thing, which immediately puts it in the top 10, and then the succulent roasting of flesh, which is quickly followed by blowing shit up. I find no end of comedy in the fact that we celebrate what is ostensibly our nations birthday by eating animals, drinking copiously, and making things explode. It brings a tear to my eye, it truly does.

I say NAY and PSHAW to all the haters who think Harrison Ford is too old to reprise his role as Indiana Jones. Usually I’m on the side of the ‘Jesus Christ on rollerskates, is it possible for Hollywood to flog a dead horse any harder‘ argument, but I’m not going to lie and say that my little geeky heart isn’t all a-flutter at the prospect of a new Indy movie. In a world where clear-cut heroes are few and far between, who doesn’t want to spend a couple hours in a darkened theater watching the good guys beat the snot out of the bad guys? So long as Spielburg keeps George Lucas locked in a trailer with some chewy toys to gnaw on or something, I don’t see how this can go wrong. I swear to God, if there’s a muppet or CGI anything with a bad accent following Indy around, there will be a nerdpocalypse.