That’s right, read ‘em and weep, folks! Right in there next to ‘Best Vanity License Plate’ and ‘Best Place to Spot People Who’ve had Plastic Surgery’. Please, hold your applause. No autographs right now, thank you. No honestly, we’re really just pleased to be in the issue, and we thank the New Times for the award, it’s a lot of fun. Speaking of award-winning journalism, screw all you haters - several media outlets in Russia are still running the story about the boy who survived the trip in the wing of a Boeing for two hours. I suppose it sounds considerably less like bullshit when you learn he actually climbed into the wheel well and wasn’t just chilling ON the wing. Sorry if my piss poor synopsis of the story lead you to believe otherwise. My bad, as the kids say. Regardless, crazy story.

I think it’s a fantastic business strategy for Apple to slash prices for the 8GB iPhone nearly a month after release. I mean, who really wants customer loyalty, anyway? That’s the equivalent of us recording a show that is just me screeching into a microphone for thirty minutes, and then at the end I talk shit about your mom. What? I would never say anything about your momz, dogg - she’s way nice. Really nice.

I don’t know if Americans spend too much time on the internet - certainly not anyone who listens to this show. You are all fine, upstanding examples of online culture. Now go outside, and don’t forget your SPF 6 million sunblock. That evil ball of fire burrrrrrrrrrns usss.. Also, I just wanted to elaborate on the new language learning web-app, Mango, we mention briefly on the show - it’s fucking delicious. Seriously. I’ve used a lot of language learning stuff in preparation for going to Japan, and I’ve got to say this is some seriously excellent shit. Free shit is always good, but really well done free shit? I approve. If you’re looking to pick up some language skills, you should definitely check this out. ( .. OH GOD, IM NEVER IMAGE-GOOGLING FOR SAUSAGE AGAIN .. )

Ugh, creepy. Could you imagine waking up in the middle of your own autopsy? That’s some seriously traumatic shit. People talk about near-death experiences, but I think that takes the proverbial cake, rides it around a bit, and drinks the milk right out of the carton. I mean, that’s not a near-death experience, that’s a post-death experience. Upside is, he does get to be the baddest dude on the block for the rest of his life. What are you going to do, kill him - again? Anyway, fear not - this show is not all doom and gloom. We have all the usual geek goodness, don’t you fret. … And a kid getting chopped up by a boat propeller for showing his ass. No really. That’s freaking hilarious.

Good news! We have Skype up and running, so expect phone interview galore in the coming weeks. We’ve also started a new schedule, so expect new episodes twice a week - on Mondays and Thursdays. Glee! So who’s excited for Halo 3? To be honest, I never played through Halo 1 or 2. GASP! I know, I know - but in the previous console generation, I was a PS2 guy all the way - so while I managed a little team deathmatch quality time with the Master Chief, I am by no means foaming at the mouth to see how the story unfolds. Personally, I never liked shooting aliens. My misanthropic mean streak prefers to see sweet streams of red blood pouring out of human shapes. Does that make me twisted? Indubitably. But at least I don’t live in a hotel and I didn’t try to kill myself with a Guillotine.

It’s a week later and my hand feels much better. Come Christmas, don’t bother getting me either gift certificates for bagels, or a bagel slicer, as my friends have that pretty well covered. Remember kids, listen to your shop teacher - make sure you cut away from yourself while using a cutting instrument. Apparently I was reading comic books during that class. Go figure. Stab wounds aside, I’m quite proud of today’s show. We’ve got all kinds of good news, commentary, and a brand new segment showing just how freaky the internet can be. Enjoy.