We actually recorded this show on Tuesday. Yeah - sorry. Our only excuse is that we were distracted by fantasies of spandex and delicious mullets - coming soon to a television near you. Listening to our armchair legal opinions in this show borders somewhere between marginally astute and the insane sounds of monkeys gibbering. Could you imagine if we were somehow tasked with actually representing people in a court of law? Is it possible to actually get castrated for contempt of court? Despite us discussing shit like we know what the hell, there is some great stuff in today’s show. Gadgets, Games, Geektips, MORE G WORDS. Sorry folks, it’s labor day weekend, and I’m phoning this one in. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

After 5 hours of play, I feel it’s safe to say that the critics were spot on - BioShock kicks eight different kinds of ass. I purchased the limited edition collectors’ set for seventy bucks, and I don’t regret it one bit. This is fully one of the most engrossing and frightening games I’ve ever played. I have a few little nitpicky complaints - mostly about the controls - but I don’t feel they detract from the game play in any fashion that’s worth mentioning. Let’s take for example one of the first major boss battles, the nefarious Dr. Steinman - One could just go toe to toe with the good Doctor, popping caps or smacking him on the head with a wrench. This is a completely valid option. Or, you could grab a fuel canister with your telekenesis plasmid and ram it up his ass. You could also wait until he stands on an oil slick and light it on fire. Or - you could also wait until he goes into a lower level that is filled with water and electrocute him. If he runs to a healing station after taking too much punishment - oh, sorry dog - but I hacked that shit five minutes ago so now it feeds you poison. It’s the sheer number of choices you’re presented with that make this game really shine, and I’m looking forward to several hours of sweet, sweet underwater bliss.

I love technology, I love civilization and I love the future. However - if Mother Nature were an engineer, you can’t deny the fact that she designs systems which can bite you after they have been freaking decapitated would be netting her fat stacks of cash. It’s a simple thing folks - when presented with a wild animal, always assume that animal > you, and just let it do its thing. Or, if you absolutely HAVE to dispose of said animal, we have these sweet things called guns that allow you to kill things from a safe distance - you might want to look into that.

Authorities in Sweden have rooted out and destroyed the beaver population at a river near Stockholm because a Grandma got bit on her old dumb ass. What I want to know is - we can develop personal jet packs and solar powered cell phones, but we can’t post a FREAKING SIGN that says “Hey, this is Beaver turf. Watch your ass.” Poor beavers. Maybe he wasn’t trying to scare the Lady - maybe her old, wrinkled skin looked like a delicious tree and he was peckish. Maybe that’s how beavers flirt, we don’t know. My point is, beavers are street, and we need to recognize. God Speed, Castor Canadensis

According to all of the major Democratic candidates, there will be a presidential blog in our future. Just think - not only can we learn what hot new bands the executive branch is listening to on a daily basis, but we can also learn all the other obnoxious minutiae of their lives! I just hope when they use emoticons, they use a tiny eagle instead of the traditional smiley. Can’t you see it? A little crying eagle for when their hamster dies, a little teeth-gritting eagle when someone steals their iPod. Their myspace is going to be SICK.

A Village Voice editorial takes the stance that Capcom’s choice to set Resident Evil 5 in Africa is in poor taste at best, and racist at worst. I think that interpretation is fair. However, I’d like to make a few points. First, I think Zombification is an excellent opportunity for people in Africa. It allows them to take advantage of an abundant and heretofore untapped food resource - white people. Second, I believe the term ‘Zombie’ is considered offensive. They prefer ‘Undead-African’ or ‘Undead-American’, depending on your continental orientation. Third, there is only one way to settle Undead vs. Human disputes, and that is through the judicious application of bullets. It’s a freaking zombie game, man. Not to mention, it wasn’t developed in the States, it was developed in Japan. The Japanese have fortunately not inherited America’s rich racial history. I think intent needs to be present in order for racism to be claimed. If one wants to claim that a white guy trying real hard not to get his face eaten off can be seen as racist, then I want to know where that person was when Barrett started spewing jive in Final Fantasy VII. I haven’t heard dialogue that stereotypically ‘black’ since Dolemite.