In the future, people will not be killed by baseballs to the head, as we will all be wearing excellent space suits with protective helmets. Nor will we be ran over by our drunken girlfriends, as they will be driving hover-cars. Perhaps they may crash into trees or mountains. The government will be able to track our every movement, but thankfully we will have wicked moon-boots so we can get away quickly - trucks notwithstanding. We will paint solar panels on any available flat surface, send condolence cards when our game systems die, and hearing someone say “Fuck! Someone hacked my fridge”, will not be in the least bit ridiculous. - Think I’m insane, or making this up? These are all things that are in development, were announced, or actually happened this past week. HOORAY FUTURE!

There are few inventions in the history of man that have been as important as the Internet. The wheel springs to mind. Now, the wheel has had some downsides - I mean, roads are kind of bad, in terms of nature and pollution - and that thing we invented where we tied people to the wheel and then beat them until they were squishy bags of blood, that was pretty messed up. However, I think selling real sex for fake gold in fake games takes the cake. Seriously people, fucking stop it.

Is the American dream home ownership or monetary success? Is it religious freedom or freedom of speech? No my friends, it is the freedom to stand naked and shave your nipples while at the gym. A freedom that apparently Santa Claus comes to Phoenix to enjoy. Think I’m making this up, don’t you? God, my brain and my eyes wish I were. I guess it makes sense. If you chill up on the North Pole all year - arguably the coldest place on the planet - you’d want to vacation someplace that’s different than what you’re used to. And apparently not wear drawers. At all. Too hot, can’t type anymore. Out.

For those of you in the good ‘ol US of A, Happy Independence Day! For those of you elsewhere.. Uhh, ’sup? The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays by far. There is the no working thing, which immediately puts it in the top 10, and then the succulent roasting of flesh, which is quickly followed by blowing shit up. I find no end of comedy in the fact that we celebrate what is ostensibly our nations birthday by eating animals, drinking copiously, and making things explode. It brings a tear to my eye, it truly does.